Alright, gentlemen, buckle up. You married a beautiful, smart, loving woman, and now she’s going through menopause, which means your life is about to get real interesting. If you thought PMS was tough, congratulations! You’re now on the advanced level. But don’t panic—I’m here to help you survive this hormonal hurricane with all your body parts intact.
1. Don’t Try to “Fix” It
Your wife doesn’t need you to be Dr. Phil, a motivational speaker, or (God forbid) her personal trainer. Menopause isn’t a leaky faucet you can tighten up with a wrench. It’s a full-blown system reboot where sometimes the screen goes blue, the keyboard catches fire, and the whole thing shuts down for no damn reason. Your job? Listen. Nod. Hand her chocolate. Repeat.
2. Temperature Control: Your New Full-Time Job
Your house is now a climate-controlled science experiment. One second she’s freezing, the next she’s setting the thermostat to “surface of the sun.” Don’t argue. Just roll with it. Keep blankets within reach, and for the love of everything holy, stop complaining about the electric bill. Your comfort is irrelevant now.
3. Sex? Maybe. Maybe Not. Just Deal With It.
One day she’ll be all over you, the next day you’ll breathe too loud and she’ll consider divorcing you. Menopause is like a haunted amusement park ride—you never know what’s coming next. So stop keeping score, stop whining, and just go with the goddamn flow. And when she’s in the mood? Drop everything. That email can wait, my dude.
4. Do Not, Under Any Circumstances, Mention Weight Gain
Does she feel bloated? Probably. Does she feel like her metabolism has betrayed her? Absolutely. Should you say anything about it? Not unless you enjoy living in fear. Instead, tell her she’s gorgeous, buy her a comfortable pair of leggings, and shut the fuck up about it.
5. Mood Swings Are Not a Personal Attack
One minute she’s laughing, the next she’s crying because the dog looked at her “in a weird way.” Do not, I repeat, do not ask her if she’s “okay” like you just found a wounded raccoon. Instead, say “That sucks, babe.
6. Learn the Art of the Silent Escape
There will be moments when you will absolutely say the wrong thing, even when you think you’re being helpful. The best move? A well-timed retreat. Go to the garage, pretend you have an urgent email, or suddenly take an interest in gardening. Whatever you do, make yourself scarce before she turns into the Hulk
7. Wine, Snacks, and Compliments Are Your Holy Trinity
There are three things that can improve nearly any menopausal situation: a good glass of wine, a perfectly timed snack, and telling her she looks amazing. That’s it. Memorize it. Live by it. If all else fails, just hand her a glass of something alcoholic and back away slowly.
8. Support Her Health Choices Without Being a Condescending Ass
She might try hormone therapy. She might go all-in on yoga. She might decide to live on herbal tea and rage. None of this is your business unless she asks for your opinion. Your role is cheerleader, not coach.
9. Never, Ever Say “It Can’t Be That Bad”
Ohhh buddy, if these words leave your mouth, start running and don’t look back. You have no idea what she’s going through, so don’t pretend you do. If you really want to be helpful, Google “menopause symptoms” and prepare to be humbled.
10. Love Her Through It All
Look, menopause is a bitch. But so is life, and you two have gotten through a lot together. The best thing you can do? Be patient. Be kind. Be the guy she fell in love with, even when she’s threatening to move into a yurt in the mountains because “society is too loud.
In conclusion, my fellow men: strap in, keep your mouth shut when necessary, and always—ALWAYS—have snacks on hand. Good luck. You’re gonna need it.
